Mindsets for High School
Recently we made some big decisions regarding our oldest and her high school path. While in the process of thinking, praying and researching I jotted down the following items as points of discussion. Don't get me wrong I am far from perfect at this. I had to wrangle the husband and review these items with him, make sure we were on the same page Then the conversation with the teenager did not come without a few eye rolls and “mom, I already know this.” looks. Purposeful conversation is a must for clear communication and well, I try.
A MATURE MINDSETS FOR HIGH SCHOOL
This is your full-time job it will require full-time hours (30-40 hrs a week).
This time does not include lunch, field trips, travel time, wake/get ready time, break time.
Focus, diligence and doing things right the first time all factor into time spent.
9th and 10th grade will be the most work, 11th and 12th grade present more choices with more adult responsibilities and freedoms.
You are apart of a family and the time frame for doing your “full time” job must work together with the family schedule.
We, your parents, will be involved in your academic life.
We will make changes to school, friends, and life if ever we feel the need to.
While we value education, it is not the most important thing in life.
We are not done raising you yet - the true season of discipleship is really just beginning.
You have not arrived, you do not know it all, you are not an expert in ANYTHING - humility in this will make the journey easier.
We talk, discuss and ideally make decisions together before acting, however, mom and dad have veto power. (we care what you think but ultimately as long you live under our roof the decision & responsibility is ours)
Actions have consequences.
Attitude Matters - Facial expressions, tone, body language.
Complaining only makes it miserable for everyone.
We can’t fix everything for you anymore.
It is your choice how your feel and if you will be happy.
5 Mindsets about Marriage
Each person in a marriage comes into the relationship with a Mindset about Marriage. They have beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and attitudes about the concept of marriage. If you are engaged or considering getting engaged it is highly beneficial to know and understand your mindset and your partner’s mindset about marriage. If you are already married understanding this dynamic about marriage can help you navigate the waters of married life with more grace and ease.
A RESOLUTE mindset - 22% fall into this category. These individuals have carefully considered what they want in life and marriage is apart of it. Most hold a traditional and optimistic view of marriage, expect their marriage to succeed and be fulfilling. This group more than likely grew up in a home that demonstrated loving stable relationships. These are true believers in matrimony. Devotion, dedication, and commitment are highly valued.
A RATiONAL mindset - This group approaches marriage with much more caution. They might believe in a soulmate but that is not the ultimate goal. They want to find a partner to team up with and work hard with. They know that this will lead to fulfillment. Personal destiny is not tied to being married and so they guard their hearts, pursue their dreams and approach marriage with much more rational than romance.
The ROMANTIC mindset - These individuals believe in soul mates. Often love “just happens.” They expect passion and intimacy to be ongoing and growing throughout life. Because passion is of high importance Romantics acceptability of divorce is much higher especially if one falls out of love.
The RESTLESS mindset - Cautiousness would characterize this individual. They are not sure what they think of marriage and all that it entails. They are still discovering their options and what the world has to offer. 70% of young males find themselves in this mindset and they know it. This individual is more likely to stay married for external reasons such as “the kids”.
The RELUCTANT mindset - 14% of the population say they are not the marrying kind. Not surprisingly they also are not interested in having kids. The biggest take way away about a RELUCTANT mindset individual, don’t push them into marriage. If you do you will be asking for difficulty.
It is important to not only identify your Marriage Mindset but also your significant others. Understanding the strengths and weaknesses that each of your mindsets brings to the marriage can reveal so much about the probable course of a marriage.
Enjoying Your Teenage Daughter
Teenage girls can get a bad reputation. Sure they are moody, filled with attitude and hormones beyond control but under all that there are golden nuggets of enjoyment. Being able to enjoy little day blessings about your teenager will make it so that when you look back on these years there will be fond memories. Here are some fun advantages to having a teenage daughter.
1. Back Up - As a woman, we have all been caught off guard by our monthly visitor, "that time of the month." Once your daughter has entered this stage she serves as a constant product back up. No more late night trips to the grocery store for you or your husband. Raiding her stash is a life saver. How about cash? I swear my kids have more money than I do. Without fail, I hit them up for change to pay the parking meter or tip the valet. Little life-saving moments like these make me glad to have teenagers.
2. She can use my credit card - Yes, I said this is a good thing. It is so nice to pull up to the grocery store, hand her my card, and tell her to run in for the milk. I pull into the parking stall and close my eyes for just a minute.
3. Makeup Tip- I know there are different ideas about when young girls should wear makeup. Mine loves costuming and makeup so she has a pretty good stockpile of products - and good stuff too! Recently we were on vacations getting ready in the bathroom together. Alas, I forgot to pack my mascara. So I borrow hers. I later notice her eyeliner was amazing. I ask to use it. I was given a long look that says, "mom stop stealing my stuff," but I take it anyway. I now have the best eyeliner.
4. The Conversations are Interesting - Gone and never to return are the days of playing kitchen and being made fake food. Sniff. Sniff. But replacing it are actual interesting conversations. I love hearing how she thinks, and why. She see the world from a different perspective. I won't lie, sometimes I have to grit my teeth and smile but overall I am glad she are talking to me.
5. Her Chores are Helpful- For over a decade, I am have been training her on how to do her chores properly. I remember when she would load the dishwasher and be so proud of her accomplishment. After she walked away I had to redo it all but not now! Dishes getting cleaned, counters get washed, bathrooms get scrubbed. The training investment is paying off. Now if I can get her to do it without the constant reminders.
6. She is funny - At this age she understands humor. Everything is not potty humor, that's my boys. When she wants to show me a funny meme or youtube video I jump. She says and does funny things. Laughing with my teenager reminders her that I am human and I do have a sense of humor.
7. Fashion Advice - Having a second opinion around is refreshing. I can ask her, "does this make my butt look big," or "do I look fat in this." and I will get honest advice. She keeps me in my age appropriate wardrobe lane and encourages me to step out of my mom zone and add a little pizzaz.
8. Starbucks Partner - I swore I would not have one of those Frappuccino loving teens and guess what? I have one of those Frappuccino loving teens. Never say Never! But hey I am ok with it. I can either send her in for my drink (see number #2) or I have a guaranteed coffee date. A 30-minute rap session over coffee makes her feel cool and I get to soak a few moments with one of my favorite humans.
If you have a teenage daughter, pray for her like crazy. Enjoy every moment for what it brings. Hug her a little tighter. Tell her you love her!
Tell her Often - She is Beautiful !
Sown NOT Thrown
Mark 4:30-32
Then He said, “To what shall we liken the kingdom of God? Or with what parable shall we picture it? It is like a mustard seed which, when it is sown on the ground, is smaller than all the seeds on earth; but when it is sown, it grows up and becomes greater than all herbs, and shoots out large branches, so that the birds of the air may nest under its shade.”
This passage is giving us a picture of the kingdom of God, but today I would like to compare it to the Motherhood. Motherhood is an aspect of the kingdom of God. We all start in life as a little mustard seed.
In the first season of life, we are young and single, these are days of independence, adventure, and freedom. Doing whatever we want whenever we want. For some these days are filled with great happiness and others with great sadness. However, good or bad we grow. Can I implore you to make these days count. Let every opportunity and year add value to your life. Make good decisions, invest in your life, serve others, build a foundation that will last.
As we age and enter the second seasons, we experience the process of “being thrown to the ground.” The early days of motherhood from pregnancy forward can feel like a time when you get thrown to the ground. Life as you know it changes. Your body is no longer your own, you have to share. Your schedule, bedtime, bathroom time and meal times all have intrusions and demands. Your career has to share or take sacrifices you never anticipated. I remember most days as a young mom I felt like I had been thrown to the ground. These days are days of humility. We can willing yield to this beautiful process and kneel at the throne of grace or fight in our own strength. I say, yield to pouring our lives out for someone else in ways we never imaged. Learning to serve selflessly. Learning to choose carefully how we spend our time and what we value most. Being sown on the ground is a necessary step to flourishing. It is an inescapable step of growth. There is no shortcut or way around it. It is here that you die to yourself, you let your dreams go, you become desperate for God and God alone. His presence becomes the only thing that will sustain you. It is a place of brokenness where you realize your strength comes from the Lord. Anything you are going to do or become in the world you can not do apart from Him and His grace.
One day you look up from the diapers, the stretched out clothing of nursing, the gooey hands and left standing there is a woman God can use. The world does not acknowledge her beauty. There are a few extra rolls in the midsection, stretch marks, and crows feet. There is a career that has died or survived on a shoestring. An education that has become obsolete, unfinished or unused. And yes you are a hot mess but a hot mess God can use. You are not one of the women that the world idolizes. One who is airbrushed, spandex up, sucked, nipped and tucked. You are a beautiful seed. You have been sown on the ground of life and are for ready and capable of growth beyond your wildest dreams.
“I have a mustard seed and I am not afraid to use it.”
Please note that the word used in the scripture is sown not thrown. You are not throwing away your life just because you get thrown up on multiple times a day. You are not throwing away your career or education because the last book you read was the “Little Engine that Could.” You are sowing not throwing. You are building layer upon layer into the little lives you care for. I have had moments of deep revelation over children books and movies. God sees right where you are and can meet you and speak to you through any medium. Yes, even Veggie Tales! He is El Elon the God who sees. Hagar was a young desperate mother and God saw her pain, isolation, and struggle. He met her right where she was at.
Before kids, I had great daily spiritual discipline. I read my bible daily, prayed for an hour and fasted somewhat regularly. Its been 13 years and I am just now started to figure out a new normal. I had to give in and count reading the “Preschool Bible,” with my son, while teaching him to read, as my daily bible reading. Or memorizing AWANA scripture with my kids as my memory disciple. I used what I had and the spirit of God was faithful to show up. I remember crying while reading the Velveting Rabbit with my boys as a revelation of “becoming” became very real for me. I received one of the strongest Rhema words for the next major season of my life while helping my daughter prepare a presentation for her class. It's in these moments that God takes our humble hearts and breaths his grace and fulfillment on our life.
The third season in this passage is when the seed has grown. It becomes greater than all the herbs and provides for others around it. I'll be honest, I am not sure I have achieved this status in my life. But I have witnessed and been mentored by women who have reached this place. It's a place of maturity. We are no longer surviving all that life throws at us we are thriving. Our lives become a haven for others. Our age, life experiences and perspectives keep us from being shaken. We are steadfast and strong.
I applaud the women in the workplace and women who pioneer opportunities for all of us. But today I applaud the women in the trenches with the little ones. What you do is unseen, unlovely, unrewarded and the unpopular. I would argue that what you do is the most important job in the world. It is not just for them, the kids, it's for you. The boot camp of motherhood produces strong, resourceful and insightful women.
Tweens & The Struggle for Control
I have 2 modes, 100% in control or 100% going with the flow. Sharing control, planning, decision making or task 50/50 or even 30/70 challenges me to the core. As a parent, when our children are little, birth to about 10/11ish, we are pretty much 100% in control. After our kids turn 18 in the eyes of the law we are 100% no longer in control. It's those in-between years, 11-18 years old, where there is a shared responsibility that tensions and struggles seem to abound. Why? Because we, the parents are no longer 100% in charge and yet we are still 100% responsible.
In Galatians 3:23-25 Paul is on roll about the law and faith. The difference between the two, why we have each of them and which one is best. Without diving into a deep theological discussion, I would like to use this scripture to illuminate how we can navigate the 11-18-year-olds in our lives.
Galatians reads “But before faith came we were kept under guard by the law, kept for the faith which would afterward be revealed. Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. But after faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor.”
100% in control -
Notice how the scripture says that we are “kept under guard by the law.” When our kids are little, we have many laws/rules for them to follow. Hopefully, you have set rules about bedtime, nutrition, and behavior. During the little years, we spend much of our time saying, “No, no,” enforcing the laws of our house. Our hearts as parents is to “guard our kids.” We are not trying to keep them from having fun or experiencing life. We want to protect them until they can learn to protect themselves. If you do not have clear boundaries establish for your child you need to establish some. These laws/boundaries will help guard your child and your sanity.
The law is also called our “tutor.” Good rules and boundaries will teach our children right from wrong, good from evil. The law that we must look both ways before crossing the street keeps our child safe. Think of the rules/laws in your home, what are they teaching your children? Rules without purpose will break your child's spirit. Rules with a purpose with tutor your child to grow and learn to make good decisions for themselves.
100% not in control-
Galatians is clear that the purpose of the law was to guard and tutor us because there is something that comes after that is so much better, faith. If we have allowed the law to do it job our kids should move from a place where law rules to where faith rules. Consider this, for pre-school I decided when and where my kids would go to school. They had no choice and no say - that was me setting the law for them. Now when the choice comes for college hopefully they have reached a place of faith to make the decision for themselves. By this time in their life, they should know how to make good decisions. If I have to go to my kid's college admissions office or sit in their first job interview I have failed. All the rules and laws that kept them safe when they were little did not lead them to a place of “faith” for their own lives.
50/50 the in-between - 11- 18-year-olds
Here is the heart of what I see in this passage. We must set laws that guide and tutor. Then we must relinquish control in order for our children to grow into their own faith/lives. The back and forth process of keeping and relinquishing authority can only be done with discernment. Moms, we cannot make this about us, or our feelings. It is about our kid's growth. In every little area, I am constantly evaluating if my kids need law or freedom. My oldest has a healthy respect for the laws of our home and as a result, I can give her more freedoms. I can allow her to make more of her own choices. For example, she has a passion for acting. I am a little hesitant about putting her in this industry. However, she has proven to have good judgment, a solid conviction about truth, and is willing to be open with me about her life. After much discussion, we have allowed her to start taking acting classes. On the other hand, if she had it her way she would be a pasta-tarian, eating pasta only. Since she has yet to demonstrate well-rounded eating habits, she is required to fulfill the food laws of our house. As she demonstrates more wisdom in eating, I will decrease my input.
Some days we are giving control and other days we are keeping control. Letting the process of the law guide and tutor our kids. Praying for faith to take root and wisdom to begin to reign in their lives. And finally seeing faith come so that their lives are no longer ruled by law but rather by grace. Parents, we must hold the scales of law and faith in our homes. Balancing them in order to bring our children to Christ and a Christlike life. The law will bring them to Christ, or back to Christ and by faith they will be justified.