Tweens & The Struggle for Control
I have 2 modes, 100% in control or 100% going with the flow. Sharing control, planning, decision making or task 50/50 or even 30/70 challenges me to the core. As a parent, when our children are little, birth to about 10/11ish, we are pretty much 100% in control. After our kids turn 18 in the eyes of the law we are 100% no longer in control. It's those in-between years, 11-18 years old, where there is a shared responsibility that tensions and struggles seem to abound. Why? Because we, the parents are no longer 100% in charge and yet we are still 100% responsible.
In Galatians 3:23-25 Paul is on roll about the law and faith. The difference between the two, why we have each of them and which one is best. Without diving into a deep theological discussion, I would like to use this scripture to illuminate how we can navigate the 11-18-year-olds in our lives.
Galatians reads “But before faith came we were kept under guard by the law, kept for the faith which would afterward be revealed. Therefore the law was our tutor to bring us to Christ, that we might be justified by faith. But after faith has come, we are no longer under a tutor.”
100% in control -
Notice how the scripture says that we are “kept under guard by the law.” When our kids are little, we have many laws/rules for them to follow. Hopefully, you have set rules about bedtime, nutrition, and behavior. During the little years, we spend much of our time saying, “No, no,” enforcing the laws of our house. Our hearts as parents is to “guard our kids.” We are not trying to keep them from having fun or experiencing life. We want to protect them until they can learn to protect themselves. If you do not have clear boundaries establish for your child you need to establish some. These laws/boundaries will help guard your child and your sanity.
The law is also called our “tutor.” Good rules and boundaries will teach our children right from wrong, good from evil. The law that we must look both ways before crossing the street keeps our child safe. Think of the rules/laws in your home, what are they teaching your children? Rules without purpose will break your child's spirit. Rules with a purpose with tutor your child to grow and learn to make good decisions for themselves.
100% not in control-
Galatians is clear that the purpose of the law was to guard and tutor us because there is something that comes after that is so much better, faith. If we have allowed the law to do it job our kids should move from a place where law rules to where faith rules. Consider this, for pre-school I decided when and where my kids would go to school. They had no choice and no say - that was me setting the law for them. Now when the choice comes for college hopefully they have reached a place of faith to make the decision for themselves. By this time in their life, they should know how to make good decisions. If I have to go to my kid's college admissions office or sit in their first job interview I have failed. All the rules and laws that kept them safe when they were little did not lead them to a place of “faith” for their own lives.
50/50 the in-between - 11- 18-year-olds
Here is the heart of what I see in this passage. We must set laws that guide and tutor. Then we must relinquish control in order for our children to grow into their own faith/lives. The back and forth process of keeping and relinquishing authority can only be done with discernment. Moms, we cannot make this about us, or our feelings. It is about our kid's growth. In every little area, I am constantly evaluating if my kids need law or freedom. My oldest has a healthy respect for the laws of our home and as a result, I can give her more freedoms. I can allow her to make more of her own choices. For example, she has a passion for acting. I am a little hesitant about putting her in this industry. However, she has proven to have good judgment, a solid conviction about truth, and is willing to be open with me about her life. After much discussion, we have allowed her to start taking acting classes. On the other hand, if she had it her way she would be a pasta-tarian, eating pasta only. Since she has yet to demonstrate well-rounded eating habits, she is required to fulfill the food laws of our house. As she demonstrates more wisdom in eating, I will decrease my input.
Some days we are giving control and other days we are keeping control. Letting the process of the law guide and tutor our kids. Praying for faith to take root and wisdom to begin to reign in their lives. And finally seeing faith come so that their lives are no longer ruled by law but rather by grace. Parents, we must hold the scales of law and faith in our homes. Balancing them in order to bring our children to Christ and a Christlike life. The law will bring them to Christ, or back to Christ and by faith they will be justified.